Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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