I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
