The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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