TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
