mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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