Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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