I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
