why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
