looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
