imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
