you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
