I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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