your parents love me but you hate me
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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