Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
