If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
