Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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