Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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