my mouth tastes like poor choices
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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