Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
