On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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