Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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