I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
