my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
