so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
