After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
