So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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