I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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