so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
