I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
