Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
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