her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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