My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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