you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
