Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
