I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
