in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
