i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
