Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
