I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
