At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
