i just wanna soil my oats bro
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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