I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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