I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
