An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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