Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
