textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
