buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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