You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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