Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I need moral support for this bender
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
