Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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