i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
