Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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